I guess this is it. Ive lost everything. My friends and him. Im not blaming them. Its not their fault. Its mine. Im being such a badass and tend to hurt everybody. Whenever people try to help me, i pushed them far away. Its not because i dont want but it will hurt them more.
Honest fucking shit, i miss them a lot. But being me, i act like i dont give a damn. I act cold towards them. The words i threw to them like a knife. Because i thought pushing them away will less hurt them. But im wrong. It hurts, both side. I turned into someone i promised i wont be long time ago. I hate the new me but theres no one for me to seek for help. Its my battle with my ownself.
If you guys are reading this, just so you know that ive never meant what i did towards you guys. Its just me. I desperately want to tell you guys how burden i feel, how sad i am but to think that my problem, my sadness isnt a big deal like all of you, i put it aside. Because to me, you guys are my priority. I get the sensed that you guys get bored whenever i tell about him.
So i try to settle up all the shit alone because i dont feel like to burden you guys. Unfortunately, i make you guys sad instead. You may see me being such a cold badass but i cried every single night thinking will you guys forgive for what i have done. And thats the reason why till now, i dont have the gut to confront you guys.
Im trying to settle all this down but i lose. I lose in this stupid game. I cant do this anymore. I miss my best friends. I miss you guys so much but i cant say it because of my ego.
And you. I never thought of losing you this way. I never thought we're not taking the same road. All this while its just me, walking by myself and you being the shadow of it just to guide me. It surprises me, really. No, im not mad its just that im dissapointed. I really thought youre the one and i still think you are. Please tell me youre saying that just because you dont wanna hurt me or smthg? Really i cant take this anymore.
Im far away from my family and going thru every day without you guys really break me.